R-14

It occurs to us that this has been our most social summer yet.

Most summers were spent away from our friends; we were sent to visit our family or with family friends. Our maternal grandmother (to whom neither of those descriptors truly belong) would take send us to vacation bible school for the week she had us, whereas my paternal grandmother would take me on errands and watch television with me and let me play with my cousins whenever I wasn't reading or making stories with my figurines. There was a summer during which I was sent to the family on the west coast rather than to the midwest; that summer was simultaneously one of my favourite and one of my most upsetting summers. My sibling was born, but I was in another state so that I would be safe from my mother's ex-husband.

It hurt me, that I was there for my cousin's birth, a month later, but not there for my sibling's.

Many summers in my memories, and few of them spent with friends, with chosen family.

This summer has been much of the opposite. After moving into my own nest, I have seen and heard and embraced my chosen family much more than my biological, This is the least stressful summer I have had in decades.

I find myself choosing my peace a lot more these days. I have a home to return to, now; a home in which to hide from the world, should I need it. A home, my home. I still marvel over it, find myself bewildered by the peace I feel, by the merriment at making decisions and determining things I need without having to also decide whether I have the energy to convince my roommates that alone time and quiet time is a need of mine, not an aggression towards them.

It is a quaint thing, to know that you have lived with people – one for your whole life, one for the entirety of theirs – and know that they do not understand you. To know that they cannot see beyond their own fears and agonies to recognise you for you. To hear them say how much they love you and how much they'd do for you, and yet to know that you are expected to give yourself for and to them as they see fit, to know that you cannot ask them to care for you in the ways you need.

I came to a conclusion a year or so ago that my family will always love me, but likely never as I need to be loved, never in a way that doesn't require me to translate their actions and vocalisations. I hold onto this truth when I need... I'm not sure. Do we find comfort in that? Acceptance? Perhaps a path to acceptance.

Of literature I found most formative, Phillip Pullman's His Dark Materials is perhaps that which has that place for me. There are many aspects of Lyra and Will's relationships with their parents which mirror my own.

Our most social summer yet... I've gone to a friend's wedding; I've swum with my longest-lasting friend, his wife, and their lovely and hilarious toddler; I've seen a film with my partner and another friend and his wife; I've gone mini-golfing with my sweetheart and her best friend; I've gamed with and spoken with and snuggled with and laughed with so many of my darlings, and so often... I feel so happy, overall.

I laugh a little, at the concept of feeling one thing. I am not sure if others do, but I've never been able to feel one thing at a time. It's always simultaneously and in varying degrees, more akin to hex code for colouration than sliding scale. I feel happy, and sad that I feel so happy (as I could have felt this way for so much longer), and angry that I was denied this joy for so long, and sad that the people who should have helped me attain this happiness were unable to, and hopeful that someday we will all heal from the hurt dealt to us by our parents and those who should know and do better.

I am glad to no longer live with those who aren't good for me, though. Proud of us for moving into a safe space, no matter how emotionally raw it's left us. Another of my darlings comes to visit me at the end of this week; I'm excited to clean, to freshen up the space, to have for my loves a home that they may rest in for awhile, a reciprocation of that gentleness and kindness they have offered me over the years!